Saturday on Channel J

1. 7.00 Breakfast Telly

   A sofa, two presenters and a weather map that hasn't changed since 1987.

2. 9.00 Live and Sticky

   Three hours of Saturday morning chaos. Ring in to swap your Spectrum for a BMX. Gunge at 11.45.

3. 12.15 Scores on the Doors

   The vidiprinter warms up. Nobody knows why it types that fast.

4. 1.00 Film: The Big Spanner

   (1964) A plumber rides into town. Western, in black and white, with an interval.

5. 3.10 Snooker

   Frame after frame. Whispering commentary. Everything after this may move.

6. 4.55 Results

   Read out slowly, in that voice. Have your coupon ready.

7. 5.40 Blockheads

   Teatime quiz. Tonight's star prize is a hostess trolley.

8. 6.15 Big Lads

   Lycra, giant cotton buds, and a referee who is visibly having the best day of his life.

9. 7.10 You've Been Gunged

   Saturday night variety. Someone's nan gets a surprise.

10. 8.00 Accident Ward

    Drama. Somebody climbs a ladder. You know what's coming.

11. 9.30 News and Weather

    Then the late film, if you're allowed to stay up.

12. 10.00 Film: Explosions 2

    (1991) Louder than the first one.

13. 12.20 Closedown

    The end of the night. There is a page for it, if you can find it.

All times approximate. Programmes may overrun if the snooker goes long.